Ditching Mr. Wrong Blog

It’s easy to say “avoid dating Mr. Whoever.”  We’ve all done it…be it sitting at a wine bar chatting with good friends…in the midst of building a rapport with new friends at a party…or even sitting next to someone on a plane ride; we’ve all conversed at one point or another about which types of dating disasters and people to avoid.

This brings me to the fact that I’ve blogged a bit about hypothetical and relatable situations concerning dating, a lot about particular “types” of guys to avoid, a bit about absolute relationship deal-breakers, and some other juicy stuff.  But(!), I’ve yet to chime in on what to do if and when you’re dating a guy, that you’ve undeniably identified as “Mr. Wrong,” and you need to get out of it.  Moreover, I think it’s strikingly important to discuss, as Ditching Mr. Wrong is indeed the title of the dating woman’s survival guide!

So, let’s get to a few things…as in, let me offer up a glimpse of hope to those who need to  “Get(ting) Rid of Mr. Wrong in 10 Easy Steps.”

Disclaimer: There are indeed 10 vital steps, but, they are not exactly easy.

One of the most important steps is a very obvious one: End the Physical Connection with Mr. Wrong. Plain and simple, physical connections are strong and can weaken one’s ability to see, think, and feel clearly about a situation. It will only hurt you in the long-run.

Another imperative step is to Be Positive!  End the relationship in an adult manner by being amicable and honest; it will undoubtably make the process much easier, and you’ll ultimately feel better about the situation, and more importantly, yourself.

Also, because you’re not in high school, Don’t Bad-Talk Him.  Breakups are tough, and even if you feel justified and entitled, DO NOT bad-talk him.  I know it might make you feel good immediately, but in hind-sight, it’s not mature, it’s not nice, and it will not serve you well. Confide only in those closest to you, and work on moving past the relationship as a whole.

Those are just a few vital steps to “Getting Rid of Mr. Wrong.”  The rest, and more valuable information can be found in my book…

Click here to order a copy now; you’re dating life will thank you!

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• A Good Man…and, Plenty of Not-So-Good Men!
• Catching the Red Flags
• A Thin Line…
• Let’s Make a Deal, Shall We?
• Women’s Rationales for Not Exiting Bad Relationships: ladies, do any of the following observations sound familiar to you?

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The “single woman,” the “casually dating woman,” and, “the woman in a relationship, that’s not exactly sure where it’s going,” could all learn a thing or two from Ditching Mr. Wrong…especially when it comes to deal breakers!

Here are a few of my personal favorites (a complete list can be found on page(s) 28 and 29 of Ditching Mr. Wrong).

Easy Wrote Offs:

Nothing in Common: It’s a simple fact: you two share very little, if anything in common. He likes all-things outdoors, and you consider camping absolutely unnecessary, I mean, why pay to sleep on the ground when you own an incredible urban loft, and love to brunch?!

Politics: Pure and simple, ideological fundamentals are unmatched. Now, please note that in the beginning, seemingly, this may not seem like a solid point of contention, but as long as you two are event somewhat passionate about particular opposing political candidates, there will undeniably be periods of stress; period.

Bad Habits: You absolutely adore wine and not only drink socially, but also enjoy a glass or two after work; whereas he’s battled an alcohol addiction and understandably struggles with even the idea of being around alcohol.

Jealously: You want and need a night out with the girls…he doesn’t understand why you “need” a night out without him.  In fact, he blatantly states that he doesn’t trust you while you’re out and about with your girls, despite the fact that you’ve given him no reason to distrust you.

Poor Health: You are a strict vegetarian, a self-proclaimed yogi, love earthy, outdoorsy activities.  He lives for Football Sundays, ribeye steaks, and has yet to utter to words “health,” “gym,” or “exercise,” since the second your first date began.

Lost: You own your own loft in an amazing part of the city, sans roommates, and, have an incredible job that allows for significant growth. He, on the other hand, has little to no verbalized aspirations, is completely comfortable in his apartment rental he shares with three roommates he knows from college, and has worked the same dead-end job for the last 8 years, and sees little to no reason to grow.

These are no-brainer deal breakers that again, can be found in Ditching Mr. Wrong.

What are your deal breakers?!

Tweet me back!

I usually begin my DMW posts with a certain scenario, pertaining to a certain duo. Sometimes I’ll write about a couple, sometimes, I’ll write about a potential couple, and so on and so forth. But, tonight I’m going to change it up a bit!  Let’s dissect a good man, and a couple not-so-good men, shall we? Oh, and all of this insanely valuable information can be found in Ditching Mr. Wrong…but, you knew that!

We’re All a Little Familiar with the “Good Guy:”

He’s the man we know we want to marry; period. He’s loyal, dependable, kind, honest, smart, educated, has a great sense of humor, takes great care of himself, has the ability to attain and sustain great, healthy, and long-lasting relationships with family and friends. He’s driven, successful, and financially savvy, too. Oh, and of course, he loves to cook and isn’t afraid of commitment.

Good news is ladies: HE’S OUT THERE!  You just have to weed through a few…who am I kidding, A LOAD of Not-So-Good Guys! Here’s a glimpse into a couple of ‘em:

1. Mr. Rush Job:

He’s seemingly perfect…hot, a little cocky, social, instantly into you, and the first date is stellar! But, you guessed it – he’s just a little too into you…especially physically!

Now, he may have sincere reasons for coming on too strong; he may intensely attracted to you and simply unable to find the means to communicate it without coming on too strong. On the other hand, he could solely be after something besides you. But, it’s up to you to use your instincts and best judgment to make an informed decision. If you feel he’s a bit too aggressive and you’re not comfortable, then put a stop to it; period.

If you’re not comfortable moving at a sexually advanced pace, then be strong and decisive; and move on, and never, ever look back.

2.  Mr. Triathlete:

A devoted Lance Armstrong-esq man who clearly takes great care of himself. Your first date centered around health, your joint love of the outdoors, a health-conscious lifestyle, and the like…and you quickly became inseparable! When you think back, you find yourself relishing in the fact that he had an unwavering commitment to his after-work workouts, wanted nothing more than to rise early on a Saturday morning to go hiking, and planned your vacations around physical activity.

The problem now is, he’s the complete opposite. After the “honeymoon phase,” he seems to be running on relationship auto-pilot, and as a result, has become increasingly lazy. In turn, you have become less and less attracted to him as the days tick by; and, he’s just not the guy you fell for.

What to do? Without being overbearing, figure out what’s caused such uproar in his physical health, or lack thereof. If it’s something pertaining to your relationship, you will at least have a starting-point. If not, ask him how you can help.  Maybe encourage him by committing to healthier dinners, more physical outings. Also, men love a good task…maybe give him a few tasks to help get him on his feet! Also, be sure to be clear about your expectations when it comes to a healthy lifestyle.

However, if none of these suggestions seem to work, and you honestly believe the relationship is not worth salvaging because you two are adhering to two very different lifestyles, then, it probably isn’t.

What more in-depth details about the variety of men you need to avoid in order to find Mr. Right? Click here to order your copy of Ditching Mr. Wrong!

A Blind Date Can Indeed Be Fate!

Stacie a 32-year old devoted Vegan and Peter, a 34-year old die-hard carnivore are both looking to settle down in the near future and begin a new chapter in their lives. They’ve both ventured into online dating, speed-dating, singles mingles, and the like; but to no avail, have failed to make a strong enough connection with someone, until now, after being set-up on a blind date by a mutual friend.

During their date, they talked about seemingly everything; it was a no-holds-bar!  They broached topics that ranged from their shared love of independent films, micro-brews and community involvement, to topics about children, business ventures and recent travels.  It was indeed a successful first date, both for those whom may have witnessed said date, and more importantly, to Stacie and Peter!

A couple days later, when Stacie met up with a few girlfriends at a hip coffee shop to “de-brief,” she couldn’t help but begin the conversation with: “there’s just one thing I’m unsure about!”

Stacie feels that although they’re both “foodies,” (a very hot topic during their date) that her intense love for animals, and hence, her Vegan lifestyle simply will not mesh with Peter’s love for world-class cuisine which, more times than not, shuns a Vegan lifestyle.  Stacie believes that simple aspects of dating, such as dining, parties, holidays, and the like, will be made that much more stressful, because she’s Vegan.  Moreover, it should be noted that when it comes to dating in general, Stacie often views this as a deal-breaker, which seemingly aids the fact that she’s still single.

Peter, on the other hand, is intrigued by the fact that Stacie is so passionate about animals and her lifestyle.  During their date, he also made it a point to communicated this to her clearly. Peter looks forward to learning more about her Vegan lifestyle, while still maintaining their shared love and obsession with incredible food.  Peter does not view their differences in food as a hindrance, but as a chance to explore new territory with someone he truly likes. He is looking forward to their next date.

TIME TO TAKE A CHANCE:

First and foremost, because Peter has already communicated to Stacie that he is interested in learning more about her lifestyle, the ball is indeed in Stacie’s court. Stacie should use this as an opportunity to welcome someone, whom she genuinely likes, into her life, and not as a continuous reason to avoid pursuing a relationship; especially because she’s looking to begin a new chapter in her life – one filled with commitment, marriage and children. If Stacie decides to peruse a relationship with Peter, the potential for a long-lasting, successful one is in their favor.

Lacy and Allan have been engaged for 6 months.  Lacy does not want to have children, but she knows (has always known) Allen does.  Thus, during most of the duration of their relationship, she considered it, if only to please him.

Lacy has longed to have a successful, fulfilled, and happy marriage. One chalk- full of travel, dinner parties with friends, raising dogs, and exploring photography and fashion.  She even ponders the idea of starting a non-profit, dog-rescue organization.  Furthermore, it’s a life she feels does not lend itself to children; and through the course of their 6-month engagement, she’s come to learn that she’s content with that.

Allan, on the other hand, comes from a fairly large family, and has always dreamed of having a couple, if not, a few children of his own.  He loves the idea of a full-house, the constant sound of laughter and excitement, as well as all the incredible challenges and unanticipated beauty that comes along with parenthood.

Allen is very aware of Lacy’s love of travel, the arts, animals, and friends, but has recently made it his mission to reassure her that all those things are still doable as a parent.  Allan absolutely adores Lacy, and believes she’d one day make an amazing mother, but senses a bit of reservation on Lacy’s part as their wedding nears.

THERE’S NO EASY WAY AROUND THIS:

Point blank:  Lacy needs to tell her fiancé, Allan once and for all, that she does not intend on having children; period.  She needs to make it her mission to communicate her feelings using tact, grace, and a bit of empathy, while also preparing herself for the possibility of a break-up; as one should never, ever venture into something as serious as parenthood, simply to please their significant other.  It simply isn’t fair for anyone.

Lacy and Allan both desire and anticipate to very different lifestyles. But, the good news is, as long as they’re both willing, and capable of making peace with that, then there is some latent beauty that can be recognized from the notion that a value is simply a value; wanting children and not wanting children are complete dichotomies, and neither of them should be forced to give up their dream(s).

The only way for them to reconcile, is for the love to be so strong, that they are willing to change their family expectations, and embrace that change with sincerity.

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• Catching the Red Flags
• A Good Man…and, Plenty of Not-So-Good Men!
• A Thin Line…
• Sometimes, It’s Simply Reversed…
• Opposites Attract, BUT, Do they Also Retract?

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Mia is a 28 year-old Advertising Executive.  She’s about to purchase her first piece of property – a condo in the heart of an up-in-coming cute urban area, she owns two dogs, and is constantly out-and-about with “the girls.”  She has been dating Mike for the past three years, and would love to one day marry him, but is very content with the way things are right now.

Mike is a 33 year-old Music Supervisor, who owns his own home and has an incredibly packed social life, but is ready to settle down a bit more, and in theory, make the leap into marriage soon.

Intuitively, Mia feels that Mike might be on the verge of proposing, and being that she has no desire to enter into marriage for some time, has been dropping subtle hints about wanting to hold-off on marriage for the next few years. She has even been venturing out more with the girls, simply to avoid having to deal with the latent pressure.

Mike has thought for a while that Mia is “The One,” but lately, has felt that her actions – her insisting upon purchasing her own condo, despite him asking her to move into his home, her not-so-subtle hints about wanting to delay marriage, and the increase in her going out with the girls, as to avoid spending time together, is weighing on him. Heavily.

THE BALL IS IN MIA’S COURT:

Mia needs to decide if her “single” life is worth compromising her future with the man she one day hopes to marry.  She should also reevaluate her current actions – her avoidance, her sly comments, her blatant need to be “in her own space,” and consider how she would feel if the roles were reversed.

She should also consider the fact that she’s dating someone a few years older, and empathize with his desire to naturally move forward.

After Mia gains some much-needed introspection, she’ll need to come to a conclusion, a candid, raw and fair conclusion, as to where she would like she and Mike’s relationship to go. After which, she’ll obviously need to broach the issue with Mike, and open the lines (wide open!) of communication.

This match has to potential to end in “Love – Love,” but only through communication and truth.

A Thin Line…

Josh and Allie, both 30 years-old and single, have been close friends since college. They have an array of mutual friends and interests, and share a lot of the same opinions as well – be it political, spiritual and the like. They were even roommates at one time, following graduation;  but alas, Josh and Allie have remained “just friends,” despite the fact that  Allie has always had a bit of a crush on Josh and thought him attractive, cool, funny, down-to-earth, and more-or-less, a “good guy.”

Although he’s had a couple of long-term relationships over the years, none of them, in Allie’s opinion, have compared to the relationship she and Josh share.

Allie would love nothing more than for Josh to finally ask her out on a formal “date,” because she truly believes they would be a great match!  However, she’s intuitively hesitant, as she’s well aware of the thin line that resides between friends, and “more than friends,” and shutters at the thought of possibly ruining years of a great friendship.  Not to mention, she also fears Josh may not feel the same…

She’s confided in a few of their mutual friends about her feelings for Josh, but has, understandably received mixed opinions.

ALLIE’S BEST BET:

Is to compose an organic, honest list of pros and cons to dating a friend.  Dating Josh.

Using that list will enable Allie to make a more sound decision as to how to follow-through with her feelings for Josh.

If she decides to still pursue the idea of dating a friend, she will need to be completely honest with Josh – tell him exactly how she feels about him, how she’s felt about him over the years, and what she believes will come of their possible union.  She will also need to prepare herself emotionally if Josh does not feel the same, as this is sometimes the case.

If however, Allie decides not broach the topic of dating Josh, and remain “just friends,” she’ll have to make a conscious effort to move forward in her dating-life, and pursue new options, while still maintaining a good relationship with Josh, her “friend.”

BOTTOM LINE:

Allie has a very important list to make!

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• Fork in the Road…

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Bryant and Brianna have been dating for the past 6 months.  They have lots in common and are always doing eclectic and exciting things; be it heading out to concerts, attending the latest art gallery openings, or venturing out to the latest hip wine and beer bar, eatery, or gelato cafe – the two are constantly “on the go.”

Bryant has a vibrant personality and is undeniably popular amongst his friends, family, and co-workers.  He’ll make conversation with anyone, anytime, anywhere, and people, in general, seem to really enjoy his company. What’s more?, every time the two hit the town, Bryant can’t help but run into someone he knows! Hence, if they were to vacation somewhere on the Equator, Bryant would undoubtedly run into someone he knows.

Brianna, on the other-hand, is a bit on the shy side and, in truth, somewhat reserved.  Despite the fact that she’s insanely witty, and has a colorful personality, it seems to only surface around those she’s most comfortable around! This in turn, has a tendency to frustrate and worry Bryant, as he’s obviously the complete opposite on the social scale.

Thus, when the two are out and about, Bryant has a tendency to feel the need to coddle Brianna, as he wants to make sure she’s having a good time, and is engaged in what they’re doing.  This, in turn, belittles Brianna, and as a result, she becomes cold, annoyed, and moreover, disinterested.

Bryant really likes Brianna, and has addressed her social disposition bluntly, but Brianna simply feels that she appears that much more “unsocial,” because Bryant is so social.

IN THIS PARTICULAR CASE:

Bryant and Brianna might be socially unmatched, or, they simply need more time to become more familiar with each other’s social personalities over time.  And, being that they have so much in common, like the same activities, and generally, enjoy each other’s company, as long as they’re both willing to be a bit patient, the future looks bright!

BOTTOM LINE:

Communication and patience are key. Brianna, if she shares a similar interest in Bryant that he has for her, then she needs to provide him with some guidance on how he can make her feel comfortable out in larger and diverse social situations, which seem to arise frequently.

Beware though, if Brianna simply wants Bryant to be less social, trying to change him, trouble may lurk ahead! The common ground may be for Bryant to overtly introduce Brianna as his girlfriend, and try to find areas of common interest where Brianna can contribute, and share Bryant’s interests in socializing with a diverse group. Bryant should be attentive whether Brianna is willingly participating, and if not, should cut the impromptu conversations off, and redirect attention to their prior activities.

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Lea and Sara have been best-friends for 10 years. Lea knows Sara more than anyone (including Sara’s “boyfriend,” Ryan). Sara, an intelligent, educated and gorgeous 30 year-old woman has just entered into a new relationship with Ryan. They met online and hit it off immediately over a couple glasses of wine at an up-in-coming artsy bar and lounge. They have many similar aspirations, goals, tastes in music, and interests, including eclectic food, art, travel, and the like.

Three months after their seemingly fatalistic attraction to each other, Sara tells Lea that Ryan acts a bit strange and distant when he’s around his guy friends.  Sara mentions that Ryan often downplays their relationship, and deems them as “just hanging out.” Not-to-mention, at times, seemingly belittles her; all despite the fact that they’ve agreed on a “title.”  Sara goes on to tell Lea that she is not only annoyed and a bit hurt by Ryan’s actions, but that she truly doesn’t “get it,” as, he’s not like “this” any other time, except for when he’s around his guy friends.

Sara tells Lea that she really likes Ryan, but doesn’t want to “rock the boat” so-to-speak by bringing all of this up…

Hummmm!

BOTTOM LINE LADIES:

If he’s interested in pursuing a relationship with you, he should never (and I mean, NEVER) make you feel belittled, uninvited, and unsure about how you feel about him; whether he’s around his friends, or at home with you sipping an incredible Malbec, while watching the latest Woody Allen flick!

SIMPLY STATED:

Tell him (cough, Ryan!) EXACTLY THAT!  Tell him how you feel; despite how long you’ve been dating. What exactly you feel when he acts the way he does around his friends.

You won’t regret it.

If anything, you’d regret it more if you continued to let it happen and feel the way you do.

He’ll get it.

And, if for some reason he doesn’t, then at least you’ll know where you stand…and you’ll know you deserve more, and be able to make an informed decision – whether you want to enjoy spending time with Ryan with more casual status, or whether you require more of a commitment. Three months is enough time to decide!
Period.

So Lea and Sara (and Ryan, if you’re smart!) cheers to that!

Holly and Megan are hanging out. Holly tells Megan that she really likes Jason. Jason goes out to the bars. Jason hits on a lot of girls. Jason calls Holly at 1:00 AM as he is leaving the bars: “Holly, come over to my place.” Holly get giddy and says to me, “Oh my godness! That was Jason. He wants to hang out! YAY!”

Ok, STOP!

It’s 1:00 am. He obviously wants to sleep with you, and you know it. But you are just so excited to see him and hang out with him, so you ignore that fact. Some girls are actually looking for a late night hook-up. However, some girls are looking for a relationship. So what happens?

Case #1: Boy calls girl. Girl goes to see boy late at night. Girl sleeps with boy. Girl leaves in the morning. Boy doesn’t call back. Girl doesn’t know what she did wrong.

Case #2: Boy calls girl. Girl goes to see boy late at night. Girl sleeps with boy. Girl leaves in the morning. Boy calls back…. but never before midnight. You are his new official booty call speed dial.

Case #3: Boy calls girl late at night. Girl says “why are you calling me right now. Its 1:00 in the morning.” Girl hangs up the phone. Ok, maybe it doesn’t have to be quite so blunt, but you get the picture.

If a guy gets mad because you don’t go to see him when it’s really late… then he is MR. WRONG.

I know that when you like someone, it is REALLY hard to say no. But really, you are helping yourself. You won’t become a booty call. He will respect you more.

Keep on keepin’on,

H